The perfect pitch

It’s a well-known fact among my friends that I love infomercials. It’s fascinating to me, in our current state of connectivity, that they still follow the same cheesy structure, right down to the ability to order via phone. I particularly enjoy the overly dramatic dramatizations of things that could go horribly wrong in your life if you don’t own their products. To celebrate both the start of the year and my recent return to the glorious land of the free gift with purchase, I’ve put together a few new infomercials that caught my eye.

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XHOSE Pro

Are you confused by all the expanding hoses on the market? I know I sure am. Endless days I’ve spent just staring at all the expandable hose options, wishing I could find the right one. Preferably one with two US patents. Finally, at long last, my search has come to an end.

Using a combination of science and wizardry, the XHOSE Pro somehow manages to be super strongĀ and ultra lightweight. They helpfully explain that it automatically expands when the water is turned on, which is something I never would have guessed from a product in an expandable hose line. Not only that, but it’s so durable, you could hit it with a hammer for no reason whatsoever!

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It can be yours for the low price of $29.95 plus $8.95 shipping and handling.

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Perfect Bacon Bowl

Now that you’ve hosed down your deck with the greatest of ease, it’s time to invite your friends over for a party. But, gee whiz, you really can’t serve boring snacks on such a clean patio. Once your buddies see the XHOSE Pro perfectly coiled up in the corner without any kinks they’ll be expecting food served in a unique design. All hail the glorious power of the Perfect Bacon Bowl!

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Filed underĀ Things Only an American Would Invent, the Perfect Bacon Bowl claims to be “the easy way to make delicious, edible bacon bowls.” I’m not completely convinced there’s a hard way to make bacon bowls, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt on this one. They’ve obviously done their research.

Not only is it easy to make bacon delivery vessels to get food from the plate to your mouth, but the Perfect Bacon Bowl opens up a whole new world of culinary pleasure that you never knew existed. Bacon bowl ice cream sundaes? Pass the whipped cream! Bacon bowls oozing with baked beans? My mouth is watering already.

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You can get two Perfect Bacon Bowls for the bargain price of $10 plus $7.95 processing and handling.

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Night View Glasses

So, your friends are enjoying your efficiently hosed backyard so much that they’ve stayed over late into the night. You’re all gathered around the table, taking vodka shots out of bacon cups, when you realize that the low-light glare is really putting a damper on the vibe. If only there was something you could wear to counteract this epic party foul!

Since it’s not immediately obvious from looking at them, the makers of Night View make sure to let you know that they’re stylish. Stylish enough to wear on a boat! They also have a very academic graphic that shows how the glasses repel the blue light waves that cause glare. I know what you’re thinking. Having high definition vision is great and all, but can I hit the glasses with a hammer for no reason whatsoever?

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For the insane price of just $10 plus $7.95 processing and handling (aka the cost of a set of Perfect Bacon Bowls) you can do Horatio Caine impressions all night long. Yeaaaaaaaaah!

6 thoughts on “The perfect pitch

  1. Pingback: How to feed a niche | Positively Natalie

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