The Return of the Cereal Killer

Last summer I wrote about replacing my morning cereal with a tasty mix of raw nuts and seeds. While it’s filling (and easy to mix up a different batch day to day), I’ll admit that the base of coconut flakes exponentially increased the amount of time I spent chewing in the morning. Like, an insane amount of chewing. Delicious chewing, but time-consuming.

So, I started adding a few oatmeal mornings into the rotation. I prefer to make overnight oats, for the same reason I like pre-mixing my faux cereal the night before. It’s nice to just walk into the kitchen in the morning, grab breakfast out of the fridge, and be on your way.

Grain-free granola

On one of my recent treks to Wegmans to stock up on siggi’s, I decided to poke around their specialty food aisles to see if there were any other non-cereal (but still cereal-esque) breakfast options available. It turns out LÄRABAR, despite having kind of a ridiculous name, makes a new granola product that is gluten free, grain free and totally awesome. I’ve tried all three flavors and I’d have to say my favorite is the Cinnamon Nut because it pairs well with pretty much anything.

siggi's yogurt and grain free granola

In honor of this new discovery, I figured it only made sense to (as I did previously) take a look at some more recent cereal television ads. While the previous spate of commercials seemed intent to cash in on adults remembering what it was like to be a kid, the ads I’ve been seeing for the past few months focus more on actual adulthood.

Lucky Charms seems to have a very specific demographic in mind here, namely creepy roommates and the people who room with them. Dude just wants to wake up and make himself a tasty(?) bowl of styrofoam puffs, but it seems his roommate has other plans. Never mind how much effort it must have taken to paint himself to the exact specifications needed to blend into the bookshelf, Kyle would also have to know his roomie’s morning schedule and gotten up early to be in place before someone saw him. Which is damned creepy, when you think about it.

Oh, Cheerios. I know you’re trying to be hip and all, but there is a time and a place for Usher’s seduction and the breakfast table is not that place. I mean, I guess it could be that place, but I don’t think you intended to make me picture Usher sweeping away cereal bowls in a fit of passion. Or maybe you did, because you chose a song that is literally about how to achieve sex with a lady.

It’s a catchy song, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say if your product is a honey “O” you should probably not advertise it with a lyric like “she came to give it to you”.

I really really really like this Shredded Wheat commercial. It’s actually pretty rare to see an ad aimed at people over the age of 50 that has some genuine humor in it. I chuckle every time I see her start to wolf down that bowl of cereal, then a little more when she tells her husband to “eat up”. I also appreciate that not once does Post claim that Shredded Wheat is worth eating for the taste. They’re basically admitting that they know it tastes like carpet fibers, so instead of trying to sell you on the flavor they’re promising more lifetime years of sex. And while they’re not doing it subtly, they are doing it without Usher’s gyrations, which takes some real skill.

I’m still going to stick to my faux-nola, though. For now.

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