Judging by the feeling that my cheap shoes were melting into the asphalt in the Target parking lot yesterday, summer is now in full swing. Even though I’m photosensitive to the point of nearly vampire, I know that for most people this change of season means a lot of time spent outside. Though I won’t need any outdoor items myself (except my trusty SPF 100), a very brief scan of the internet proved that fandom isn’t the only category filled with odd and/or puzzling products.
Aside from the worry that the very product name sounds like something that should be kept far away from children, there still remains the fact that this is a pool torpedo toy. You know, for kids. The makers of this maim mobile are very stealthy in their warnings, telling you that you shouldn’t throw it at other people but also should wear goggles while using it. In other words, you’re probably going to lose an eye to this underwater lawn dart.
Are pesky birds spending way too much time being visually stunning on your property? Do you just hate the sight of wildlife in your outdoor space? Well, luckily for you, someone has invented a product that basically turns your deck into a fortified medieval tower. Just add a moat and a couple of murder holes and you’re ready to thwart an invasion. These make the perfect companion piece to a toypedo, offering you the opportunity to poke your eye out on land as well as in the water.
The class factor of these glasses at a backyard barbecue is somewhere between drinking out of a paper bowl and drinking out of an empty potato chip bag. I also imagine if you’re at the kind of party where people are drinking out of Mason jar stemware, you’re probably more likely to just drink right out of the Franzia box spout. Another blazing red flag is that the website tells you it’s “a fun way to serve up your favorite wine or homemade moonshine.” So classy, you just might die of class poisoning (or moonshine).
Williams-Sonoma, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Only you could decide that meatloaf needed to be made on the grill, and then invent a pan to make said meatloaf on said grill. Even the example photo loaf looks dried out and charred, with a fine coating of burned fat residue left on the perforated insert. It will probably not surprise you to learn that this item is a Williams-Sonoma exclusive.
This is a James Bond, stealth skewers on a secret lair-adjacent beach, laying in the sand with a woman whose name is a thinly veiled reference to a vagina kind of gadget. Even the product description thinks so:
Get down to barbecue business with this portable grill that fits within the confines of a sleek stainless steel briefcase. Perfect for kabob enthusiasts on the go, this versatile design opens up to reveal a grill and charcoal pit, perfect for an al fresco meal for two. Just prop out the two adjustable legs, grill to your heart’s content, wait for the piece to cool, and then take your grill wherever the smoky barbecue sauce takes you.
Coming soon to a picnic near you – Heinz 57: License to Grill.