It has apparently been over a year since I last explored the bizarre treasure trove that is Williams-Sonoma. This must be remedied immediately. Since we all know that the only thing I could possibly love more than a collection of completely frivolous items is a thematic collection of completely frivolous items, this time I entered their cave of wonders with brunch on the brain.
The obvious place to start when it comes to brunch is eggs. They’re tasty any way you cook them, but there is something childishly delightful about whacking the top off a soft-boiled egg and dunking strips of buttery toast in it. However, Williams-Sonoma thinks that childish delight is… well, childish. Civilized adult-persons engaging in brunch do not decapitate their eggs while screaming like a samurai.
Instead, they apparently open them up with the cold, calculated precision of a serial killer. The Rösle Egg Topper description explains that it gives you “easy access to the silken white and creamy golden yolk inside.” Which is not creepy in the slightest. Nope, not at all.
The instructions read like the wet dream of a breakfast-loving mad scientist:
Simply place the topper on your boiled egg, pull the handle up, then release – the spring-loaded mechanism causes just enough vibration for the sharp blade to cut through the shell.
Unsurprisingly this item is made by Germans and only available online. They wouldn’t want you acting out your egg-topping fantasies in the store.
And that aforementioned toast? Yeah, they’ve got something for that too. You can purchase Toast Tongs, which “deftly remove slices of bread from a toaster while safely keeping your hands away from the heat.” They also come complete with a magnet so you’ll never lose them (if you stick them to the toaster) or never lose any other metallic utensils that end up in the same drawer you shove them in.
Luckily, these are available in stores. You may want to go road test them so you don’t end up as disappointed as this customer was.
I figure we may as well add some good fats into the mix to counteract all that buttered toast, and nothing fits the bill quite like avocado. There are all sorts of ways to enjoy avocado with your brunch, but the first step is getting it out of the skin. I’ve always just used a spoon, but apparently I am a savage who knows nothing about the finer points of avocado liberation.
The Avoloop, in addition to being terribly named, is “ideally shaped to scoop out the flesh from an avocado half in one clean sweep.” They make a point of letting you know that you could also use your Avoloop for “peeling mango, papaya, baked potato, squash and melon.”
But not kiwi. You’ll need to buy a Kiwi Loop for that.
I don’t know about you, but my biggest fear is that I’ll no longer be able to serve properly made salsa at my post-apocalyptic brunches once the power grid fails. Recognizing that this is a fairly common fear, the crack team at Chef’n developed the VeggiChop Vegetable Chopper exclusively for the discerning customers at Williams-Sonoma.
I can’t decide which feature I love most – The blade’s “safety sheath”, having to pre-chop vegetables to fit inside the VeggiChop, or the fact that you operate it like a stubborn lawn mower that refuses to start. Apocalypse be damned, we will have salsa at this party! Reach for the sky, Chef’n!